Borrowed Time...is coming due.

I never thought this would be a blog I would be writing…yet it happens to transplants recipients all over the world, every day.  Somehow, I just thought I was immune to it.  I lived in blissful ignorance that this heart would survive all odds, I certainly have.  And truth be told-it has.  25 years is a pretty amazing feat in the transplant world.

But last week, on Wednesday the 22nd, my fears of symptoms over the course of the last few months were confirmed.  It is with a heavy heart that I announce Eli’s resignation of living inside of me.  Our heart is worn out-cardiac vasculopathy has set in-which basically means the vessels inside the heart have begun to thicken and narrow-not allowing enough blood to pump to my lungs or body.  It is something that is unique to transplant patients only.

In the last couple months I’ve gone from being winded walking from Chris & Rene’s house, then being winded walking through Walmart 3 weeks ago, to being winded just puttering around the house this morning.  My heart is pumping forceful & I’m exhausted. And it’s barely 10 am!

What does all this mean?  It means over the course of the next two weeks I’ll be re-evaluated for another heart transplant.  Seriously?  Yep…I get to go through all that again!  How do I feel?    Tired  Emotionally?  Honestly?  Scared.  Frustrated.  Angry.  Scared for having Leah & Nolan have to see their mom become sicker & sicker.  Scared of not qualifying for a new heart.  Scared of how the alternative will affect the kids.  Frustrated that I’m going to have go through the waiting again.  Frustrated that I can no longer provide my family with the everyday help that just comes natural as a wife & mom.  Frustrated that my energy is declining so rapidly.  Angry that there was NOTHING I could have done (nor the doctors) to stop this.  Angry that after all these years nothing has been found to stop this in transplant patients.  Angry that it wasn’t caught earlier to give me more time to prepare.  Angry that I have any of these feelings at all because really I’ve made it so much longer than most heart recipients.  I’ve experienced so much more that most heart recipients.  My life has been so incredibly blessed to get this far!  I’ve had 25 more years than I could have.  Angry that I’m being so selfish wanting more!  More energy, more years, more time. 

And then-I’ll hear a song or lyrics will just pop in my head.  The day before the heart cath-as my mind was wandering and focusing on things that could go wrong during the procedure-a song came on that resonated with me.  I’d heard it before-but it had been awhile.  The song came out in 2013, so it wasn’t played as often on the radio station I listened to anymore.  Then the same song came on in the morning in Scott’s car just as we were pulling out from our house.  And then later, after I was home letting the news sink in.  This would make sense if it was a newer song to be played so often on the same station.  That’s what stations do.  But this song isn’t new.  And I’m hearing it all throughout the days just as feelings are beginning to envelop me.  And it stops me-and renews me and gives me strength.  Not physical strength mind you…but strength nonetheless.  I’ll end this blog with those lyrics.  You’ll hear more from me.  I have more to say, more I want to tell you.  Stay tuned.  Writing is my therapy. 

Glorious Unfolding

By Steven Curtis Chapman

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But its just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

Gods plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life were living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
Well see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see

This is just the beginning of the beginning