Here I go again...

Last year, on July 22, 2015, I received the news after a heart cath that the heart donated to me 25 years ago was failing and I would need another heart transplant. It’s been a long year and a long road for our family and friends and myself.   I celebrated 26 years with Eli’s heart last month in style.  This year, on July 22, 2016, I will travel to Stanford to meet with a heart transplant surgeon.  It’s a formality required by my insurance company before putting me on the heart transplant list.  I was accepted last Friday as a heart transplant candidate for re-transplant at Stanford.  And once again, the timing is impeccable -I will most likely be put on the list exactly 1 year after the diagnosis!

After receiving the call from Stanford on Friday I shared the news with my family. Everyone is so excited.  The few friends I ‘ve shared it with, they are all excited.  Ok brace yourself-because here’s where I get vulnerable.  Myself, I’m a bit conflicted.  Perhaps because this isn’t my first rodeo?   Perhaps because I know what’s on the other side after transplant? Perhaps because I’m no longer seventeen.  And though I never felt like I exhibited the “traditional” teen personality trait of feeling as if I was invincible, I do remember never doubting I would receive a heart.  Perhaps because I know that the REAL waiting has begun.  The waiting that will keep me within a four-hour radius of Stanford for travel purposes.  The waiting on the edge of your seat, jump start your heart every time the phone rings, kind of waiting.  The waiting that could take weeks, months and if my current heart holds out, a year or 2?  The waiting on something that might never happen.  The waiting that is emotionally excruciating.

And that’s where the conflict really begins.  I’ve had 26 years with this heart to experience so many amazing things and to meet some incredible people.  And nobody can know what the next heart & years extended will bring.  On the other side of the coin is the medical part.  The first few years’ post-transplant were really challenging health wise, and I am not looking forward to those times.  Probably even more so because of my family.  And yet, there’s also the blessing of my family who will be there to help me through it.  And my friends who have proven they’re going to be there too.  I truly have a “tribe” of people who are going to see me through the ups and the downs of this whole process.  

After I told my sister the first thing out of our mouths was “Here I go again” and we began singing (ok more like quoting-because we are NOT musically gifted) the lyrics from the song we remembered as teenagers.  So I had to look up the lyrics to that song & who sang it because quite frankly, my brain is old.  And it’s from a group I was not particularly fond of, but that song stuck in my head because I liked it back in the day and amazingly some of the lyrics applied to my present situation.  

Here are the lyrics to that song:

Here I Go Again by Whitesnake

I don't know where I'm going
But I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday
And I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
Here I go again, here I go again

Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams

Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time

Just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love's sweet charity
And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams

And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again, here I go again,
Here I go again, here I go……

And as I listened & read the lyrics to the song, it dawned on me that I’m not alone this time around.  Yes, I’m surrounded by my family and friends and all the people who love and care about me that are more than willing to step up and help my family out.  And this time I also know God’s “got my back”.  And though He was there last time too, I didn’t know Him and really it does make a difference. 

Which only increases my feelings of wondering why I’m not “jumping for joy” as the rest of my posse.  Why I feel guilty that I should be more excited about finally reaching this destination that took a whole year to reach.  I think I’m just tired from the journey of it maybe.  And there is a part of me that feels a bit guilty for needing another heart…perhaps taking it from another well-deserving fellow transplant candidate.  I mean, I already had one for 26 years, I don’t want to be selfish.  Then I’m reminded that this whole process isn’t in my control.  It isn’t something I did or didn’t do.  It’s a greater plan designed for me by my Creator.  It’s not for me to understand. 

Which brings me to the very first song I shared after I found out I need a 2^nd heart transplant and I’ll end on that note for this blog.  Thanks for sticking it out to the end of this blog and for this last year!. 

Glorious Unfolding

By Steven Curtis Chapman

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out

Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart

‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true

There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love

And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding

We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding